God spoke, I listened

God spoke, I listened….

During the late 90’s we lived in a small town called Mena, Arkansas.  During those years, God worked some amazing things in my life and in my spirit.  He led me to such a depth of relationship with Him that I would never, could never, be the same again.  I was witness to miracles, revelations, healings, and most of all; I was witness to the gifts that He birthed in me.  Most gifts I welcomed with open arms but one, one caused me to fear and to look at my humanness rather than the power of the Mighty God who blessed me with such a gift.  So often as a young Christian traveling the road to maturity and depth of relationship, I would look at other Christians and envy the spiritual gift with which they had been blessed.  Thinking, “oh if only I had such a wonderful gift.”  What a young foolish girl I was.  Never did I consider the complete sacrifice of self, required to walk in such spiritual giftings.  Not for a moment did I comprehend the utter dependence on God to manifest said gift when called upon to minister to another.  And I certainly could not begin to understand the battle that the enemy would bring to the flesh in order to incapacitate my obedience to the Spirit’s moving. 

…..Until that day.  It began oh so simply.  Bible in my lap, reading the words on the page, when certain words in Isaiah 21:11 began to leap off the page; “Watchman, what of the night?  Watchman, what of the night?”  I could not read any further for the statement that had leapt of the page began to echo louder and louder within my spirit.   Watchman, what of the night?  It was similar to watching dawn as it breaks over the horizon and with each passing moment light illuminates more and more until you are flooded with it.  The light permeates to the very core of your being, chasing away all doubt, and allowing knowledge to come in.  And so it was that the Holy Spirit breathed into my spirit that the gift of prophecy was being made manifest within me.  There would be messages to be shared, a word spoken, a revelation to be given all in God’s timing and His manifestation.  As I shared, this was not one that caused me to shout hallelujah.  Something closer to “why me” and “oh me” would be way more accurate.  Through the years there has been occasion when God has urged me to speak.  And there has been the inevitable wrestling with doubt and fear.  Can I do this?  What will the person think?  Will I be ridiculed?  What if it doesn’t happen?  What if it isn’t received?  The bottom line is, yes, I can do this.  Only God knows the recipients heart.  That is not for me to know.  Yes, I have been ridiculed.  Yes, I have been chastised.  All those things that the mind can create as a plausible reason not to be obedient; and yet, He calls me to go, and go I do. 

I have learned a great lesson – mine is only to do as He calls.  It is for God to work what He will.  It is for the recipient to do with His message what they will.   Mine is only to be obedient to Him. 

For the first time, I am being called to speak a message that was given for me personally and for another whose heart God will give acknowledgement that this is for their blessing and healing as well.  And for the first time, I have been asked to share this publicly. 

Father, as I step forward in faith, I thank you that your will shall come to pass and that only your words will be spoken.  In all things, this is through the shed blood of your son, Jesus Christ.

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Jagged rocks on a stormy path call forth a praying heart and listening ears.  So the storms of the past weeks have brought forth a spirit willing to hear a message breathed by God and sealed by the Holy Spirit.

It’s about the message…. “Hand it over”.   Nothing more.

Sometimes God asks us to do things that seem impossible, that go against everything we feel is right.  During these times, He promises that if we trust Him, it will all be okay. 

We have been so desperate to hold on to what we want that we haven’t let God show us what He wants for us.  Letting go doesn’t mean that what we want is being taken away from us; it means that we trust God to do what is best.  If we can hand it over, God promises that He will open all the windows of heaven for us and pour out a blessing so great that there isn’t enough room to take it in.   (Malachi 3:10)  Your life will be transformed.

So what do I do now?  Pray.  “God, here I am unbelievably blessed with the chance to talk with you and I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to give up my son.  You gave him to me and me to him.  If that was just for a short time, then thank you for that time.  Thanks for letting me love him.  I give him to you.  If you ever want to give him back to me, then I am ready.  I need your help to know what to do next.  Father, I love my son so much and it’s really hard to let go because I am afraid I won’t get him back.  I am afraid that I won’t see his smile, hear his laughter, or hug him.  But it’s time for this, your child, to embrace the message ‘fear not’.  And I trust you father with all my heart so I give him over to you.”

Once I was told I had a long journey to make, that it wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it.  They were right.  Life is a mystery.  Death is a mystery.  God is a mystery.  But love, love is not a mystery.  When I remember that God loves me, all of a sudden I don’t have to solve these mysteries any more.  Maybe my son is on a journey.  And some day, when I look back, I will be able to say, “it was all worth it”. 

Now - you hold on to this.  I know you can because I am not speaking to your brain; I am speaking to your spirit.  We all get lost in the darkness sometimes.  And when you are so lost nobody can find you, even those who love you the most, God can. He is lighting a candle for you.  He is preparing a place for you so that you can be with Him.  And some day, He is going to send an angel to take you to that place where the light never fades.

Thank you God for your great promises.  Thank you for your faithfulness to us, so stiff necked a people.  I thank you that in your great wisdom you have sent the Holy Spirit to minister to our spirit.  Most of all; I thank you for your love.  A love that defies the ability of my mind to comprehend it, of my mouth to describe it, and of my voice to praise you for it for You are love itself.  It is with a humble heart and an expectant spirit that I await the continued manifestation of Your will in my life.  Praying in the power of your son’s name. . . Amen.