This past weekend I petitioned God for a "yes." I proceeded with the right steps, I said the right things, and I prayed the right words.
I spent time praying "God I only want to move forward if this is Your will." I read His Word, and I tried to leave the situation with Him rather than taking it into my own hands to manipulate the response that I wanted.
A new day dawns and along with it a "no." That is exactly NOT what I wanted. What was asked was not bad, not a want but a need, and not extravagant. But still a no was received.
As I sat in the early dawn hours and opened the study I have been pursuing for a few months now, the bold print of the title leapt out at me. TURNING MOURNING INTO DANCING.... ughhhhh.....a lesson from the valley is not what I was wanting either.
Here is what I learned and where my dusty road of faith becomes a bit of a mire. Did you notice that I "said" and "did" the right things in pursuit of the petition pursued? Well here is the real deal. God knows the depths of the heart that so often we don't want to utter much less acknowledge. God knew that although my lips were uttering "Your will" my heart was a fortress of I want this! Not I want this if this is where you are leading but flat out a three year old tantrum of I WANT THIS.
Yet as I woke, He waited patiently for me to come to Him, and for me to listen to His voice; and listen I did. The lessons learned were not just for the current petition but for when we laid so many family members to rest back to back, for the hard times endured during my husband's deployment, and for all the valley's that have yet to lie ahead.
Prayer is worship. And all worship is based on sacrifice. The beginning and often times biggest sacrifice is that of self. How dare I approach the Great I Am with my own agenda that I foolishly thought was hidden in my heart? But there it was a yes screaming to be heard that I buried deep and refused to acknowledge. But my merciful Father knows my heart better than any can and the yes screamed defiantly to Him drowning out the words of my prayer of bowing to His will.
So yesterday was spent, as patriarchs of old, wrestling with God, wrestling with the desires of the flesh, surrendering to His great majesty, and truly bowing my heart to all that He has planned for my life.
As I woke this morning, quite worn out from the battle, I arise to read "Worship with abandon is an intimate experience." So I sit here, with tears streaming down my face fully bathed in the mercy and love of a Good Good Father who waits patiently for me as I pick myself up out of the mire that wasn't my place to travel, He offers me clean clothes of righteousness, and sets me back on the path to a relationship that is based on the joy that can only come from being fully in His presence.
How can we fully dance before the Lord if we haven't fully mourned before Him? I can never fully know the experience of being clothed in His joy until I allow Him to remove my sackcloth. During the time when our family traveled from funeral to funeral; father, mother, uncle, step-father, another uncle. It was truly a 14 month long time of horror. I was clothed in a mass of hurt and agony so deep that my body and mind couldn't cope. As I sit here this morning I realize that pieces of that were still living within me. That lack of understanding "why" had buried itself so deeply in my heart and soul that it scarred the beautiful relationship with God that can only come from utter abandon. I was so busy taking care of all the hurt in others that I didn't deal with the deadly barbs the enemy was throwing and instead allowed them to take a place very deep where it has been left untouched all these years.
I wil never fully understand. I will not know why. And that is O K A Y!! I KNOW the Father, I KNOW His heart, and I TRUST His heart to lead me. I don't understand any more now than I did then, but I understand more about God because I was willing to wait, to study, to hear God's Word, and to appeal to Him yet again. I don't understand death but I understand more about God which has made the loss tolerable. God is not harsh; He is holy. God is not selfish; He is sovereign.
Pslam 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
So I sit here this morning in the midst of a no, experiencing fullness of joy for the first time since the deaths of my family. It has been a very long 9 years. And I weep for the wasted time knowing that each morning God was waiting for me. Each morning He longed to hear my voice and for me to unlock the hurt to let Him have it.
no. No. N O ! Never has no been such a beautiful word to me. This morning in the midst of the no I find utter freedom. Freedom that I have not walked in for far too long. Freedom to be at peace, freedom to have joy, freedom to be loved fully, and freedom to fully love.
If you are in the mire or the valley, please do not keep looking down. Rather lift your eyes, acknowledge the pain, allow others who have traveled this road to help lift you, and most of all, be willing to give it over to Father God. He will be gentle and faithful and will protect all that you cherish.
Much love my friends....
Join hands with me and let us travel this road of faith together!
