Revelation....
What has God called you to do with your life? That question can be as intimidating and daunting as the decision we face our senior year of high school.... "what am I going to do for the rest of my life?"
Just like when we were seniors, many of us "flop" around for years not knowing what we want to do, should do, or need to do. We wander aimlessly floating from job to job, relationship to relationship.
Are we truly seeking God's direction for our life or are we content to wander like the Israelites of old?
At 48 years of age, I have discovered my "God purpose". It is not grand and glorious. It will not bring fame nor fortune. It does not even remotely resemble anything that I would have thought a calling from God should look like.
Take my hand a moment and walk a bit of my history with me as I share my heart with you. This history that I share with you is being told from a position free from hurts and pains, with no malice and no judgement, but most importantly it is being shared from a position of complete and utter healing flowing with peace and joy.
My earliest memories of my mom were those of her laughter. Mom had a great laugh, she was pretty, and mom could do whatever she set her mind to. My dad had a great sense of humor, was a tremendous mechanic who could fix anything, and served his country well. But - my dad wasn't the greatest dad nor husband. I was like most young girls in that I sought to be the delight of my father. My father's focus was on his son, my brother. Now my brother was a cherub of a child. Quick to laugh, amiable, easy going, and a joy to be around. Quite the opposite of me. I was not an easy child ( now I know this shocks you but trust me, this was indeed true ) in that I was strong willed, precocious, and at the same time I needed to be loved like some need air. A marriage that began at too young of an age (17), based on self will, by two people who did not put God in their marriage well, it was easy to see what lay ahead. It wasn't long until my parent's marriage ended and through the workings of a nasty/bitter divorce, they went their separate ways. And with that divorce, my father walked out of my life.
After a bit of time passed, another man was brought into our lives through a relationship. This man ended up marrying our mother. Again, God was not consulted nor invited to be part of the marriage. With the entrance of this man, evil came into our lives. After the "honeymoon" period that all relationships go through, the truth of this man's character made itself known. Through a governmental position of power, abuses went unchecked and unreported. My mom was subject to emotional abuse but rarely anything physical. My brother was subject to verbal and some physical abuse, mostly after I had left the home. You see, for years, my brother was afforded the lofty position of "only son" and was granted the rights of such according to Louisiana heritage in which males are very much the ones allotted a position of preference in the culture as well as the right to do many things that as a female you should not do. As such, it was not until I left our home that my brother began to reap some of what had been laid upon me. Now my experience in our home was vastly different from my mom's and my brother's.
I am indeed a country girl born and raised. I am not a dainty, genteel southern girl content to sit on a porch and fan myself while proclaiming "fiddle de dee but it is hot today." No siree, that is a far cry from who I am. From birth I was much as you see today....into everything especially anything to do with animals and the out doors. Well, to help you understand a little of what my good friend Wendy likes to call "being from the black water", it was very much a dual set of standards for raising children. One for boys and one for girls. I remember one of the first beatings I got...it was after a family reunion in which I made the mistake of going to the living room to watch football and I was commanded in quite colorful language to carry myself back to the kitchen. Yes, he literally meant the kitchen where the rest of the wives/daughters had gathered.
After the passage of a few years, I was allotted the "privilege" of some of the male dominated activities. Well privilege would be a subjective word here. You see, I am four years older than my brother so I was the one old enough to move the cows, help with planting/harvesting, cutting wood etc until my brother was old enough to pick up and join in. But.....I did get to sneak in the joy of hunting and could out shoot any one until well after I was married.
Hunting was a joy. Until hunting became the cover story for abuse. Then the abuse became bold and occurred in the home.
I lost count over the years of how many times my braces were knocked off my teeth, of how many ways there are to dodge someone, and of how many times gym teachers turned a blind eye to all that went on. I lost count of the times I cried myself to sleep, calling out to God, "I only wanted a father, why can't I have a father?"
I wasted a ridiculous amount of years asking God why? What was the point? Even when through the Godly wisdom of a pastor, I allowed complete healing and peace to enter my life, the question would still come up. Why?
As I woke this morning, the answer to that question was burning in the depths of my soul. So I would accept the love that had always been there for me. So I would know love. So I would take that same love and share it unashamedly and unreservedly with every single person around me. To include the evil that began in my life all those years ago.
You see, I got a phone call yesterday informing me that the man who had brought such pain into my life was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Kidney cancer! Just how often do you hear of someone being diagnosed with kidney cancer? I can tell you it isn't all that often.
As I hung up that phone my mind was swirling. As one who was diagnosed with a kidney disorder at 21 and who battles renal failure now, I can promise you that what this man faces is more unpleasant than what most will go through in their life time.
I began to pray for this man even more than I had over the years and my heart began to break. You see, this man does not know God. He lived his life according to his desires. As a result, his life has been fraught with heartache, hard times, very few friends, and much loneliness.
I began to pray. The direction that has come from those prayers has brought me to the position of revelation this morning. I am to do what God has called my life to be about. I am to love. Love completely without reservation with the same love that God has given me. For you see, as much as I would like to think I am so much better than this man, the facts are that I am not. I am a sinner the same as he. The difference is that I am redeemed by grace, washed in the blood, and I now live for the One who is love.
So the answer to all those questions all those years was one that is oh so simple. Love. I am to love. Love beyond reason. Love without exception.
As I have prayed, I feel myself being led to minister to this man. I am going to contact him personally and do what God directs me to and what the man will allow.
I also feel led to ask that my fellow believers join me in sending cards of prayers and love to this man. I will not shame him nor harm him, so any one who wishes to write a note of Godly love and encouragement, can send them to me and I will forward them to him. Feel free to include your name and address as I will make sure that he knows these are not from me but from fellow believers who are walking in God's love.
I was so silly to always be looking for the grand, bigger than life calling God had placed on me. Well, the calling IS grand and it IS bigger than life! Just not in the way my human mind would have comprehended. To love as He loves will take me a lifetime and will be perfected and culminated in heaven.
To that end I ask you to pray and see if God leads you in reaching out to this man who is facing such a terrible road and is truly alone as only one who is without God can be.
Many blessings to you my friends....
